So drunk its hurt
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
