Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
