Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
