Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
