Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
