I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
