The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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