This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
