i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
