Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
