my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
