Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I will pee on everything he values.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
