I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just googled if crying burns calories
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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