We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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