i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize