So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
