i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
