I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
