I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
