would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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