Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
