Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
