running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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