I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
