I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
