I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Houston, we have a squirter
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
