I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
