I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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