I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
