You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
