i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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