I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
