Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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