from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
