I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
