You can't special order awesome
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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