Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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