Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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