Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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