end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
