Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
