now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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