I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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