Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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