Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
