Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm experimenting with sincerity
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
