That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
