his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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