Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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