A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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