Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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