I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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