I love black thongs
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize