I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
